I just spent $70 for my creative writing class. This is an elective that I have wanted to teach for years, and last year I got the opportunity to do so and they are letting me teach it again. However, I don’t have books or curriculum for it, so I am building my own. Last year, I bought a couple of books, and this year I bought some material from Teachers Pay Teachers. I also just bought a planner in hopes of getting all my ducks in a row for all my classes. I have three preps and that’s okay because the variety that I teach helps me avoid boredom. Four of my classes are the same subject and it can get mundane teaching the same thing over and over all day, but, as I always jokingly say to the first hour that they are my guinea pigs and to my last hour that they get the best version of the lesson I am teaching. The other two classes are creative writing and newspaper. Okay, so? Where am I going with this? Here….
I got our welcome back newsletter yesterday and I just got this ache in the pit of my stomach. I used to love teaching. I wanted to be the best that I can be. I wanted students to remember me and realize how much I cared when they looked back at their high school years, but last year, the love faded. I think COVID made it so stressful, and money is so tight, that I just didn’t know if the stress was worth it. I posted on my Facebook that I was looking for a new career. It was somewhat of a joke because I wouldn’t leave the school in a tight spot like that; however, I knew immediately that this status update got attention because I started getting friend requests. (I have been deleting and cleaning out my social media for over a week now so people that were my “friends” were surprised when they couldn’t see my posts. Why I chose to dump so many people is a story for another blog, but I will tell you, it has been freeing.) But I didn’t dump enough because my principal called me today and asked what was going on. Keep in mind, I deleted the post rather quickly due to the friend requests I was getting, I knew it blew up. I explained to him that last year made me miserable and if my heart is not 100% into this job, then I don’t need to be in the classroom. It isn’t fair to the students. I then told him that I am going to give it this year and see where it goes. I then told him again that it will not affect my performance in the classroom and he said he knew that it wouldn’t. So why do I spend so much of my own money for something that I may give up sooner rather than later? Because I was taught that whatever job you are doing, you do it with all you have. I will not let my students down no matter what I am feeling outside of that school. Plus, I loved teaching so much at one time that I hope I can find that love again. I hope there is hope and this year will bring me back to the excitement I once felt when I stood in front of my students.
I have spoken about reinventing myself throughout all of my blogs, so maybe this is all a part of this process. All I know is I am going to give it my all, but whatever happens, happens. If I end up teaching until the day I retire, then I know that this was only temporary. If I end up moving to some island and become a bartender, then I know that reinventing myself meant a new career as well. Finally, I need to allow myself to be open for change. That doesn’t mean there will be change, but by allowing myself to accept the fact that there might be, will probably take some of the pressure off me.
In the end, it is all a part of the process. Oh, by the way, I dumped and deleted some more of those “friends” on my social media. Come on! Someone called an tattled on me. It is a small town, small community, and small school, most of these people know better and should know I wouldn’t leave the school in a jam like that. Awe, so freeing to let go. You should try it some time.