Broken

Warning: This post will be a little different. I am about to show you a piece of me that I try so hard to hide because I don’t want to be a burden.

Robin Williams, (he was my birthday buddy) once said…pause right here for a minute. I think he said it. It is one of those quotes you can find under his name, so I am going to give him credit. Alright, push play. He said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” Every time I read this quote, I feel it. I know some people have it so much harder than I do, trust me, I have this conversation with myself every time I get lost in my thoughts, but no matter who you are or what you have, you can feel broken, and lately, I am feeling really broken.

Believe me, there have been times that I have felt this before, but it is extremely intense this time. Why now more than ever? I think it might be my birthday coming up. I will be 50 in a week. I know many of you are shaking your head right now. If it makes you feel better, so am I. I know each day we get is a gift. Trust me, I know this first hand. I had one best friend that was a month from being 40 when she passed away. I had another friend that had just turned 43 when she passed away, and my dad, he had just turned 55. So when I say I know first hand that each day is a gift, well, I know first hand. I think me knowing this leads to part of the reason I am so broken because I argue with my inner self every day. I get so mad that I can’t pull myself out of this hole, and if any of you read one of my first blogs “Forgiveness” you already know that I am not too kind to myself.

When I was growing up I was asked what do you want to be when you grow up, my answer was always things like a veterinarian (I love animals), a lawyer (I love to argue, well, not so much anymore), a singer (but that was on the down low), but truthfully what I wanted in life was to be the best WIFE and MOM I could be. I wanted the small house with a wrap around porch and a white picket fence. (Ha ha, did I grow up in the 50s?) I just wanted the simple, American life. I will tell you that I got half of that dream. I got to be a mom. I don’t know if I am that good at it, but I get to be. BUT, I have never been in love. I shouldn’t put so much value into this, I know, but I am almost 50 and have never been in love. I have never experienced the good morning and good night phone calls or messages. I have never experienced waking up next to someone that you loved with your whole being. I don’t know why. It is me. It has to be me. This has led to me feeling ugly, too much, too little; whatever negative thought you can think about yourself, I have probably thought it about myself. Before you ask? Why is she putting so much thought into this? I will tell you that I don’t know, but when you are about to be a half of a century, and you’ve never been loved, it hurts.

I really, really tried hard to step into my 50th like a boss. My sister-in-law even had a shirt made for me that says that, but as it gets closer, it has all been a freakin’ facade. I wanted to go on a 50th trip this year, but you know who would have went with me to enjoy this trip? NO ONE. I thought, I’ll go alone, but that would put me into this spiral even more. So this leads me to friends. I don’t really have any. So again, am I really that appalling that I can’t even get a friend? I do need to add here, that I do have a few friends, but it’s tough to be this age and have buddies when everyone around you is married. Secondly, I wanted to have a “I Made it a Half of a Century Party”. My sister-in-law and niece were kind enough to get his together, but when the list was made and they asked me who I wanted to invite, all the people invited, except a few, are more of my family’s friends that they hang out with. I didn’t have anyone to invite. This hit me hard, really hard, really, really hard. So this all led to this, I miss those close people in my life that I lost to death. Married or not, they would have made sure I got my trip and would have been the first to arrive and the last to leave to my party. This isn’t me speaking negatively of those in my life right now because honestly, if I came out and said to at least one of them that I really needed to get away, I think it would have happened, but those two friends I spoke of earlier, one for sure, wouldn’t have waited for me to ask. I miss her so much. She knew me well, and loved me no matter what. As for the party, my sister-in-law and niece that are hosting it, they really stepped up and that adds some positive to this, but here it comes, if my brother didn’t get married, I wouldn’t have either of them. Yep, that’s how my mind works. I am my own worst enemy. If you read last night’s blog, you learned that about me. I also know that whole blog sounds like a self-pity party, which pisses me off at myself all over again. Hey, it’s a vicious circle here folks.

You know when it comes down to it I really don’t know why I am still here today. I can’t quite figure out the purpose of me being put here on this earth. I really don’t know. Don’t worry, if you’re reading this, I am safe. I know the pain of losing a loved in death, and I do not want to put my family through that pain. I just am so tired of crying myself to sleep at night and crying when I wake up in the morning. I know this blog contradicts my blog from last night. It was about self-worth, but maybe it doesn’t contradict it. As I often say, I am a work in progress, but man, I am almost 50 years old, why is this work taking so long?

If you are reading this and struggling with who you are and why you are here, don’t take so long to discover your true self. Put yourself out there. Go and make friends, look for that person (look at my past blogs and have a laugh about my previous adventures with this) but most of all, believe in yourself. I think if I would just believe in me a little more, I wouldn’t hurt so badly.

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