Just When I Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Into the Water

So if you read my blog right before this one, you would know I was talking about what ifs. I also revealed I had been speaking to someone I met online, through IG. I was leery as I always am, but that dang WHAT IF kept me in it. I actually enjoyed talking to him (I mean, I think it was a him). We had some good discussions about life and what not. Even though I felt in my gut that this person wasn’t who he claimed to be, it was still fun to pretend. So needless to say, I wanted to play the game for a little while because, as I just said, I enjoyed the conversations we had.

Now, this is going to go back to my second blog in which it revealed how angry I am at myself and how I don’t know how to forgive myself. I knew this guy wasn’t for real but I liked our conversations so I stayed in the game for awhile. When I say awhile, it was only a week, but I stayed in it. I wanted him to so badly be who he said he was that sometimes I started to believe. I know, a sign of weakness that I thought I gave up a long time ago. I am so pissed at myself right now. Why? What happened? I know that is what you are asking. Well, here goes.

He started out our conversation sweet as usual, which always made me feel good. (I’m a hopeless romantic and love simple, sweet messages). He then proceeds to ask me, yep, “If I ever touch myself.” Now, this isn’t passing judgment on those that like to have phone sex, but it is not for me. So I tell him I will pass. He then asks for a photo. Again, I decline. “Oh baby, you can trust me.” Bahahaha, little does he know those are my trigger words, especially in this type of situation. I told him that I would appreciate it if he respected my answer. I then told him my career means too much to me that I am not going to put anything like that in the universe. Needless to say, I don’t have a “fake” friend anymore. So why am I mad at me? I didn’t listen to my freakin’ gut. I loved the conversations that I didn’t listen to my gut. I knew that eventually this would end up here. That this was some dude that gets off on this, but I stayed and played anyway because my WHAT IF said maybe this is real, and I ignored my gut. That’s why I am angry.

So, if you all read the blog right before this I said I was spent. I am so tired of trying to figure out what I need to do to meet someone. Or let me know what I am doing wrong. I asked the question, “How do I believe anyone that randomly approaches me?” Well, dang, I guess I am still asking this because, as you can see, this latest encounter pushed me back a little.

P.S. I was going to try and limit my blogs, but sometimes a person has so much to say that once the gates open it floods.

P.S.S. Just writing this helped me not be so angry at myself anymore over this situation, and now, I actually am laughing a little about it.

#notforme #nojudgment #isntlifegrandsometimes

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